dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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