My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
