If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
