I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
