i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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