i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
