At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
