Your dad touched me again.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize