Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize