somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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