I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
