I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
