Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
