remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
