The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
