Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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