sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
