Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We just shotgunned beers for America
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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