also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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