i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
