She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
