I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
