we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
