Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
