Yo dont text me then not text me
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
