I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
