I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
