who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
