he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
