This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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