I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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