the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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