i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Randomize
