i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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