I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
