how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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