he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
