Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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