i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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