Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
this just has baby written all over it
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
