I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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