A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
