So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
