Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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