There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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