new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
