every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
