Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
