Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Randomize
