I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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