Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
