I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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