Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
