I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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